When Frugal Goes Too Far
My mother-in-law is like me in most ways, at least from a financial perspective. She has always been very frugal; never taking fancy trips, never buying expensive cars or clothes, and definitely never spending money on frivolous knick knacks or trinkets.
I’ve always appreciated this about her, because although we may not agree on everything (politics, whether or not fish belong in tacos, etc), we have always shared similar money habits.
However, there was a recent incident that made me seriously question if she has taken her frugalness a step too far…
Supporting The Kids
Like most school-age kids, both of mine are involved in a variety of activities. The majority of these activities are things that my kids do on their own (i.e. Girl Scout meetings, soccer practice, dance lessons, etc). But every once in a while there are times when family can watch or participate, such as volleyball tournaments, volunteer opportunities at school, etc. Of course whenever we get a chance, my wife & I seize these scarce moments to support our kids as often as possible.
My mother-in-law has traditionally been very supportive of both kids as well, attending events whenever she’s been able to throughout the years. Needless to say, everyone cherishes these moments, especially my kids (even though they will not outwardly admit it since they are “too cool” for that).
Note: As a little background, my mother-in-law is a “snowbird” meaning she lives in the Pacific Northwest for half the year in the summer/fall, but spends the remainder of the year in a warmer climate. Because of this, we do not see her for approx. 6 months at a time during winter & spring.
A Bridge Too Far Expensive
As most parents know, the end of the school year brings with it a flurry of activities before summer begins. One of these recent events happened to be my daughter’s final band concert. My mother-in-law had just returned a couple weeks prior, so I assumed that without a doubt she’d be attending the concert.
Despite my conjecture, the day before she mentioned that my father-in-law might be using their shared vehicle to run errands (which of course I love the fact that they only have one car; so frugal. But I digress…)
She went on to explain that if he wasn’t back in time, she would not be able to drive herself to the band concert in the evening. In my mind there was an easy, no-brainer solution – I offered to come pick her up. She politely declined stating that 1) it was too much of a hassle and perhaps more significantly that 2) it was going to be too much money. (For context, we live approx. 10 miles apart and there is a toll bridge in the middle that charges $4.50).
My mind was blown.
My mother-in-law was willing to miss her only granddaughter’s last 7th grade band concert in order to save $9! What is perhaps even more egregious is that I would’ve ended up paying the tolls myself and not her.
A Pattern of Frugal Behavior
Although I was baffled & dismayed, I wasn’t completely shocked because she has displayed similar behavior consistently in the past. Most notably, we frequently attend our state fair each fall and they sell delectable treats called scones.
(For those who are unaware, a scone is a lightly sweetened biscuit-like cake. The traditional scone in our area is served warm and topped with butter & strawberry jam. Mmm…)
While scones themselves are not a rare item, there’s just something special about buying them at the fair… they just taste a little better.
We always end up buying a bag of scones to take home and each year we ask my mother-in-law if she would like us to bring her any. In the past she has sometimes accepted, but told us to only buy one, citing the high cost (which I think at the time was approx. $2-$3). More recently she has flat out declined because of the ever-increasing prices (which were approx. $4-$5 the last I remember).
So needless to say, she has a pattern of making decisions and ultimately turning things down on the basis of money.
Sadness Befalls Me
Although everyone makes their own choices and I respect that, I was nonetheless deeply saddened by my mother-in-law’s decision to not attend the band concert. I saw this as a missed, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that she’ll never have the chance to experience again.
Yes, she has attended previous band concerts and hopefully there will be many more band concerts to attend in the future, but there are no guarantees. My daughter is planning to continue playing an instrument and taking band class for the foreseeable future…
But what if her interests change and she’s no longer captivated with music?
But what if her required class-load changes and she can no longer fit-in band as an elective?
But what if…?
In addition, this unique concert on this specific night will never be repeated again and that is an absolute certainty. Band members will constantly change, different songs will be played, there will be a different audience, and even minuscule things like squeaks or someone playing slightly out-of-tune can never be replicated in the exact same way.
It All Comes To An End
Even more despairing is the fact that everything comes to an end at some point, whether we realize it at the time or not. And honestly, most of us do NOT realize it. Most people think that everything will continue on forever as-is, because they live in the present without thinking much about the future. (Sidenote: the same failure to plan & look towards the future is a reason why most people never save enough for retirement, let alone achieve Financial Independence).
There is an absolutely brilliant & impactful post on the Wait But Why blog that illustrates this concept titled “The Tail End”. TLDR – The author points out that a typical human lifespan is only 90 years. Instead of focusing on how much time each of us has left before we reach that age, he encourages us to think about how many distinct opportunities we have left to experience specific things. For example, a middle-aged person may only experience another 60 winters or read only another 300 books over the remainder of their life.
This concept of how everything is finite hit me particularly hard when I first read “The Tail End” myself. I was one of those people who took things for granted, not realizing how precious time was or how we only get a limited number of opportunities in our entire lifetime to experience something.
Viewing the band concert through this lens, I could see limited opportunities on both sides… On one hand, even if my daughter continues to play an instrument throughout middle school & high school, the chances become slimmer that she’ll play in college and even more slim that she’ll continue beyond. In addition, there will come a time when my mother-in-law will not be able to attend any more band concerts (or other events for that matter) most likely due to declining health and eventually even death.
Running the Numbers
This entire scenario becomes even more silly when looking at it from a pure financial perspective…
Not attending the concert saved a whopping $9 in tolls (qty 2 trips across the bridge), which in itself is not a large sum of money. And in reality $9 doesn’t buy much these days anyways, perhaps a combo-meal at McDonald’s or a decent pair of socks.
But even taking it to an extreme, investing this $9 in the stock market and letting it compound for 30 years (the point at which we’d likely inherit this money) at a 7% rate of return, would yield only $72 per the Rule of 72.
So was it worth missing this event and an opportunity to spend a fleeting moment with her granddaughter, all in order to save $9?
I cannot answer that for my mother-in-law, but in my mind this was an unquestionably poor trade-off. What better way to spend this money than by experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime moment vs. saving a paltry $9 (that ironically she probably won’t end up spending elsewhere anyways due to her frugalness).
Just Do It
At the end of the day, this post is in no way meant to bash my mother-in-law – she is a wonderful person and I love her. Instead, this post was intended to be a cautionary tale for myself and so many others just like me in the FI community. Yes, I am super frugal and acknowledge that I will always be this way. Yes, I’ve turned down many opportunities myself in order to save a few bucks.
However, I realize that this needs to change.
I need to change.
I don’t ever want to miss out on experiencing once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, especially with my family, all because of money. Frugal habits are hard to break, but I think keeping this recent incident in mind will go a long way in helping me avoid similar situations in the future.
So I say next time go ahead and choose the band concert over that combo-meal at McDonald’s or that pair of socks. Go ahead and say yes to that scone, it’ll be delicious. Or better yet, because small things like this will undoubtedly provide so much joy instead of breaking the bank, go with ALL of it…
Show up to that band concert with a burger in one hand, a scone in the other, and sit in the very front row in order to show off a new pair of socks while listening to the smooth sounds of a middle school jazz band.
Links/Resources
Reader Questions
- Have you ever been too frugal or taken your frugalness too far? If so, did you realize it at the time and/or have any regrets?
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