Twinning: Another Way To Bond With My Daughter

Converse All Stars.

You know them.

I know them.

EVERYONE knows them.

These shoes have been around forever and I see people wearing them all the time, but I’ve never been a fan. In fact, I tried on a pair once as a kid and thought they were the most uncomfortable shoes ever – the soles were flat and the canvas material of the body was so flimsy and provided absolutely no ankle support.

I’ve always had zero interest in ever owning a pair of All Stars myself, yet as I currently look down from my computer monitor towards my feet, I have a pair on…

So what gives?

There’s Always Later

My kids have always been important to me, but for most of their lives I was always very busy working. Even after they were born I kept my nose to the grindstone because that’s all I had ever known and that’s what I thought I was supposed to continue doing. Yes, I wanted to spend time with them, but I always thought we could do that “later” or that we would have the opportunity to hang out more “sometime in the future”.

My thoughts began to change in the past few years as I came across a variety of resources that have really opened my eyes and helped reshape my worldview. The first resource was the book “Die With Zero” by Bill Perkins, followed by a post on the Wait But Why blog titled “The Tail End”. Then what really hit home was Brad Barrett (ChooseFI) describing a very particular tool he uses daily as a way to keep everything in perspective.

Die With Zero

Amongst many great insights found in this book, one of the most powerful lessons involves thinking of life as distinct seasons. As we go through life, we need to remember that we’re constantly changing – not only are we changing physically due to increasing age & declining health, but other aspects of life are also evolving such as changes in marital status, having kids, differing financial situations, developing new hobbies & interests, etc. Each of these changes can be considered a different phase that lasts only for a very finite period of time. And perhaps most alarmingly, when we move from one phase to the next it’s a one-way street; there’s no going backwards.

There are distinct experiences throughout life that are more suited for one season over another, so we should plan accordingly, rather than assuming we can do anything at any point in time. For example, it’s probably not realistic to plan for extreme physical activities such as mountain climbing at 80 years old. And particularly in relation to kids, what activities would you plan when they are little (playgrounds & zoos) vs. when they are older (hiking & roller coasters)?

The author calls this concept “time bucketing” and provides the following strategy: “Draw a timeline of your life from now to the grave, then divide it into intervals of five or ten years. Each of those intervals – say, from age 30 to 40, or from 70 to 75 – is a time bucket, which is just a random grouping of years. Then think about what key experiences – activities or events – you definitely want to have during your lifetime.”

The Tail End

Beyond thinking about life broadly in distinct seasons or phases as described in “Die With Zero”, a corollary is realizing that life is finite and we only get a very specific number of chances to experience something. Everything comes to an end at some point, whether we realize it at the time or not. And honestly, most of us do NOT realize it. Most people think that everything will continue on forever as-is, because they live in the present without thinking much about the future.

This concept is laid out brilliantly in a post titled “The Tail End” from the Wait But Why blog. The author suggests that “instead of measuring your life in units of time, you can measure it in activities or events.” He points out that a typical human lifespan is only 90 years. Instead of focusing on how much time we have left before reaching that age, he encourages us to think about how many distinct opportunities we have left to experience very specific things. For example, a middle-aged person may only experience another 60 winters or read only another 300 books over the remainder of their life.

The real kicker is when the conversation moves from talking about general experiences that are spread out evenly over a lifetime to very specifically talking about relationships and situations where experiences are grouped closer together.

The author uses the example of spending time with his parents. Growing up he spent time with his parents almost every single day, but since going to college and subsequently moving away for his career, he now only spends about 10 days a year with them. Taking a look at the math he realized that “when I graduated from high school, I had already used up 93% of my in-person parent time. (In middle age) I’m now enjoying the last 5% of that time.” Furthermore “when you look at that reality, you realize that despite not being at the end of your life, you may very well be nearing the end of your time with some of the most important people in your life.”

The Countdown Timer

Brad Barrett has discussed both of these concepts from “Die With Zero” and “The Tail End” on the ChooseFI podcast from time-to-time and in fact, this is how I first learned of them. So on a particular episode when this topic was brought up again, I didn’t think much of it until additional context was provided regarding how he actually implements these concepts into his own life.

Brad has two daughters who are a few years older than my kids. As a way to continually remind himself of the limited time he has left to spend with each of them, he uses a literal countdown timer on his computer showing the exact number of days left until each of them leave for college. While this may seem crazy to some people, I found this to be so astonishing & profound. Brad found a way to take a seemingly vague concept and turn it into something truly concrete.

I attended the EconoMe conference a few months later in March 2024 where Brad & Jordan Grumet hosted a live podcast recording. Coincidentally the countdown timer was mentioned again during an interview with a conference attendee who was struggling with a decision concerning whether or not to leave his career, with the upside of spending more time with his family and young daughters.

Brad saw himself in this other father and recounted: “At 9 o’clock at night (my daughter) wants to talk about roller coasters and I want to go to sleep. But I know that on August 16th 2026 (the day after she leaves for college), I will give ANYTHING for her to be sitting on that couch asking me to talk about roller coasters. And to imagine that I would give up ANYTHING – going to sleep or going to work or whatever it may be – to have that conversation with her, when I know for an absolute fact 2 years and 5 months from now that I will give ANYTHING for that time back. That centers you. That means something.”

Upon hearing those words my eyes immediately began to swell and tears dripped down my cheeks. What Brad said was practical, beautiful, and extremely sobering all at the same time. And to hear it in-person was extremely powerful and life-changing.

I knew instantly that I needed to make changes in my own life in regards to how I wanted to spend time with my own kids.

(Note: For anyone who wants to listen to these exact words, they can be found at ~12:47 of the ChooseFI podcast Episode 488, “The Courage to Take Action | EconoMe LIVE with Doc G”)

Just A Few Years Left

I was one of those people who had always taken time for granted, not realizing how precious it was or how we only get a limited number of opportunities in our entire lifetime to experience things. What hit me particularly hard was grasping the reality of truly how little time I had left to spend with my kids, especially with my daughter who will be entering her last year of middle school next month, followed by a seemingly quick 4 years of high school.

Although many parents hope to remain close to their kids after they leave the house, unfortunately I don’t see this happening with my daughter. She is already counting down the days until she goes to college, periodically mentioning that she has less than 5 years left at home and even asking if we’ll miss her when she’s gone. I know that she’s not doing this malevolently, rather she is very independent, but nevertheless it’s just another solemn reminder of what’s soon to come.

Intentionally Spending Quality Time

As a family, my wife & I have been taking all of these messages to heart and have been focused on creating “memory dividends” that will stay with all of us throughout the rest of our lives. A couple areas where we specifically create these memories are travel and attending concerts.

Beyond spending time together as a family, I’ve also been deliberately trying to spend more time alone with my daughter in an effort to not only treasure our relationship as-is, but to also cultivate it. Of course this has meant engaging in practical/mundane tasks such as offering her a ride to the bus stop each morning or willingly driving her to volleyball practice. But it’s also meant participating in fun activities together or learning more about her interests.

Last year my daughter mentioned how cool Converse All Stars were and that she wanted a pair. Bewildered as to why anyone would want to own a pair of these obviously ill-fitting, poor quality shoes I nonetheless agreed to buy them for her since she was so excited. A few days later she was the proud owner of a new pair of black All Star high tops that she immediately proceeded to wear non-stop. Every time I saw her wearing those All Stars, I thought to myself “poor kid, she’s going to regret that someday”.

That Fateful Day

A few months later we went to Kohl’s looking for clothes for an upcoming trip. I always love looking in the clearance section because it’s similar to a thrift shop – although most of the options are terrible, there’s always a chance to uncover a hidden gem at a remarkably low price.

Well, as fate would have it on that particular day, I looked through the clearance shoe section and found a dusty box labeled “Converse, Mens Size 11.5”. Although I had no interest in ever owning a pair of Converse shoes, my curiosity was piqued so I decided to open the box… and lo-and-behold there was a pair of All Stars right in my hands, staring back at me!

I showed these to my daughter and jokingly suggested I buy them so we could be twins, thinking that either she would scream “NO!” or that the shoes probably wouldn’t even fit me anyways. But much to my dismay, my daughter responded shockingly with a serious nod of agreement.

Immediately regretting my suggestion (made obviously in jest), I decided to indulge her and tried on the shoes…

PERFECT fit.

Just like Cinderella.

CRAP.

Begrudgingly I was now obligated to buy these awful shoes. And of course, that’s what I did. A few minutes later I was the not-so-proud owner of a new pair of black Converse All Stars.

All Stars Forever

So what’s the point of all of this? Why am I taking so much time & effort to discuss shoes that I seemingly don’t even like?

Because my daughter and I have been subsequently wearing our All Stars together to every special event that we’ve attended. We both wear our All Stars to concerts. We both wear our All Stars to sporting events. We even both wear our All Stars the entire time we’re on vacation.

Although I still firmly believe that Converse All Stars are terrible shoes and my feet always hurt when wearing them, I’m more than willing to risk any bodily harm if the trade-off is an opportunity for creating a closer & closer bond with my daughter. Besides, I’ve done much stupider things in my life for way less benefit.

So aside from simply spending time together or just learning about my daughter’s interests, I’ve unlocked another unique way to hold onto my daughter…

#twinning.

Links/Resources

Reader Questions

Is there anything you regret not doing in the past that you no longer have the opportunity to do in the present or future?
If you have kids, are you consciously aware of how much time you have left to spend with them?

Leave your answers or comments below – or email us directly at info@epicfinancialjourney.com